


Vocal Demons

by crescentStarlight



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Homophobic Language, Implications of suicide, John being homophobic toward himself, M/M, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-05
Updated: 2013-05-05
Packaged: 2017-12-10 12:25:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/786029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crescentStarlight/pseuds/crescentStarlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John's inner homophobia starts getting to him, and Dave has to step in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vocal Demons

**Author's Note:**

> Very very very late giveaway present for karkatsstrawberrylube!

It wasn't supposed to end this way. You were only hanging out with Dave at his house afterschool. He let you choose all the movies. That was his way of apologizing for being standoffish lately. He still didn't explain why, but that was okay because he'd tell you eventually.

You wish you could have gone back in time, slapped yourself, and told Past John that you didn't want to know eventually. You didn't want to know at all.

You, of course, chose Con Air, and it was just getting to the bunny in the box part. You were so excited, about to recite the lines from memory. But then you turned to look at Dave and he was staring at you weirdly. You couldn't see his eyes from behind his shades, but there was this little smile on his face that struck you as odd. It wasn't the usual snarky smirk that said "I'm about to make a witty and sick burn," but something more wistful, more...affectionate? That wasn't Dave Strider.

You pick up the remote and pause just Nic Cage was going to shout "Put the bunny back in the box!" Dave seems to jump and he goes right back into his poker face.

"Dude, why'd you stop? Not that I'm complaining, this is the worst part of the worst movie in existence. Well, no. The ending is the worst part. I mean seriously, how can you stand-"

"Dave." You cut his long rant off before it can escalate. "I think we need a feelings jam."

"Feelings jam? Why would we need that, nothing's wrong. Everything is great, rainbows and sunshine-"

"You didn't reply to any of my pesters for two weeks."

He's silent, shoulders slumping and all positive emotion rushing out in a huge sigh. You scoot closer to him. "Talk to me. What's happening?"

He turns his head and scoots away. "'S nothing. Just some bullshit stuff."

"You know nothing's bullshit if it affects our friendship."

Silence again. He speaks in an uncharacteristic tone, wavering and nervous. "You'll hate me for it."

"I swear I won't." 

Your hand lands softly on his shoulder. He takes a deep, shaky breath in, quivering fingers fumbling while trying to take his shades off. He slowly moves back towards you, trembling fingers sliding your glasses off your face too. Your knees touch his, and as soon as he registers the accidental contact, he jerks away from you. Your eyebrows furrow in confusion while his knuckles turn white around the arms of his shades.

"Dave, just tell me. No freak outs, I promise."

He slowly turns to you, fear apparent in his crimson eyes. Then something soft lands on your lips. It pushed insistently against your mouth, gently molding you to fit it. 

It's Dave's lips. He's kissing you. He's kissing _you_ , and it should feel weird, awkward, wrong. 

It feels wonderful. 

You hear a whisper in the back of your head, but you ignore it and let your instinct take over, pressing your lips back against his, a slow dance of give and take. 

His tongue slowly, hesitantly slips out and brushes your bottom lip. It's wet but warm, kind of ticklish and gently teasing your mouth open. Your little laugh allows him inside. He tastes like apples and cinnamon, something smoky and wonderfully _Dave._ His right hand is curling into your hair, the left one gently pushing you down to the couch and-

_(What are you doing?)_

_What?_

_(You can't enjoy this. It's not right.)_

_But it feels right. Why can't it be?_

_(Dave is a boy, and so are you. Are you a homosexual?)_

_No!_

_(Then I ask again, what are you doing?)_

_I..._

_(Face it, you are a homosexual.)_

_No I'm not! I'm not!_

_(You are, you are. Everyone will see it, you unnatural freak. Your dad will find out and he'll hate you.)_

_No he won't, Dad loves me!_

_(He won't love you when he finds out you're a_ fag _. He'll leave, your friends will leave, everyone will.)_

_No no no! My friends won't leave me because I kissed a boy...will they?_

_(They will. Dave only kissed you to see if you would like it. It's a test, and you've failed it, everyone will see that you're a failure, a dirty_ slut _that wants boys.)_

_No, he wouldn't do that! Dave is my friend-_

_(Seems like he's more than a friend now. Are you going to fuck him or is he going to fuck you? Are you going to be his filthy little whore?)_

"No no no no no I'm not a whore, I'm not a fag, I'm not a homosexual, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!"

"John!"

Dave is shaking you, his eyes open wide in panic and his mouth twisted into a distressed frown. You are frozen in time as you start to realize what was happening. Your eyes are blurry with your unshed tears, your cheeks are wet and your insides feel like they're being ripped apart. You can't fall apart now, you promised Dave that you wouldn't freak out!

But you curl up and fall apart anyways because your insides are at your feet and from the void they left, fear and guilt are clawing at your neck. Your hands are balled into fists, your nails leaving crescent shaped marks in your palm, but you deserve the pain. "I deserve to be hurt for confusing and hurting my best friend, for being... for being... no! The voice will start all over again, and the voice is right but I don't want to hear it again, I don't! Stop stop stop I should just stop being a pathetic little fag like everyone knows I am and just _die!_ "

"No!"

Dave, who seemed to be holding back when you began to flip your shit like you promised you wouldn't, is suddenly on top of you and oh no is he crying too. No, Dave shouldn't be crying, he did nothing wrong. Why is he wasting his tears on you? 

But he is. He's crying just as hard as you are. One of his arms is wrapped around your waist, gently rubbing up and down your back, while the other one is threading through your hair, holding your head at the crook of his neck. 

"You're not a fag, or a whore, or anything that you said. You don't deserve to be hurt at all. You deserve only the best John, please don't think of yourself as less than anything but amazing. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable, I won't do it again, just please don't ever think about yourself that way."

Dave's tirade only serves to make you feel even worse. Your sobs have died down, leaving only the silent tears, the occasional sniffle, and a hollow aching in your chest. Your voice is thick and faltering as you whisper, "It-it's not your fault."

"It is. I started this entire thing." He sighs, resigned. "Do you just want to forget this happened and just watch Nic in his sweaty wifebeater yell about a bunny?" 

He starts to sit up, push away and leave you, but you quickly curl your fingers into his back and pull him back towards you.

"I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget that amazing kiss you gave me. I just... I'm not-"

"Gay. You're not a homosexual, I got it." There's a resigned bite to his words. Silence fills the air around you. You break it with your breathy, almost-too-quiet words.

"I'm sorry." 

His arms tighten around and you immediately feel his nose get buried in your hair. 

"Don't apologize for something you can't control."

"And what about you? You can't help liking me."

The hand in your hair clenches into a fist. "I didn't have to tell you. I could have kept quiet and none of this would have happened." 

"But I liked it! I did. And... I wouldn't mind trying?"

You feel the sharp breath he takes from your scalp. His fingers press into your skin and you know he's running your words through his head again and again.

"We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with."

You pull him down to eye level. The lava swirling in the pools of white screams of nervousness and fear, but also affection and love. You know what they're saying.

_"Please trust me."_

So you gently turn his head to the side and slowly place your lips on his cheek.

_(Homo.)_

_No!_

Kiss on the other cheek.

_(Pansy.)_

_No._

Trembling lips on the tip of his nose.

_(Gay.)_

_No..._

Shaky mouths pressed together. He holds your head between his palms and you start to feel the tension drain out of your body.

_(Faggot, enjoying his kiss again aren't you? Hopeless, pathetic, worthless.)_

"No!"

You've stopped again, face buried in Dave's shoulder. You can't stop shaking, what is wrong with you?

But Dave is making a comforting shushing noise in your ear, rubbing your neck and running his fingers through your hair once more. How does he always know what makes you calm down?

"John. You liked our kisses, I felt it. So tell me what's wrong."

But you can't tell Dave. You can't tell him about the voice that isn't quite your own, the one that calls you names and makes you feel like shit. So you shake your head roughly.

"It's weird and you wouldn't understand."

"I've seen a lot of weird things. Just tell me."

You look down, the top of your head now resting on Dave's shoulder, and mutter, "There's this voice in my head, but it's not really a voice, and it's not really my voice, just really loud thoughts, and it keeps calling me things like... like..." 

You can't repeat the words. But Dave already knows what you're talking about. And some mix of a relieved sigh and an airy chuckles escapes from him. Blood rushes to your face and you feel your cheeks burning. You knew you shouldn't have told Dave-

"John, what do you think I went through, trying to figure out that I'm bi? The exact same thing. Don't listen to those thoughts. Sexuality is a fluid thing, and you could be gay, you could be bi. Heck, you could even be straight and just be attracted to me. Not that I'm saying that you are but-"

"I am."

He stiffens. You were attracted to his lips, his hair, his eyes and hands and his stupid irony and the way he knew you inside out. But you're still nervous.

"I'm not entirely sure what I _am_ , but I want to try with you. Just... give me a little time, okay?"

You feel the gust of air as he lets out a relieved sigh. A tender kiss gets placed on your temple, and another, and another. You block out the thoughts. They have no place here. 

Without them, Dave's lips have never tasted sweeter.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed that! I will probably be waiting to write until the end of the school year, so one month from now, and then Fandom High School will be at the top of my priority list.


End file.
